“Hi everyone. For some, footy is all about winning—trophies, games, leagues, tournaments, the glory of victory. The fame, the power, the influence and status that comes with being a winner is what makes footy so popular across the world. But for some, the best players are made a little differently.

Welcome to my “Just Vibes best 10 + me” squad.

My team is made up of players who were born into this world with levels of sauce, mere mortals simply can’t comprehend. Play a five-yard pass to a wide-open man to comfortably retain possession in midfield? Why, when I can go and nutmeg three players and trivela a sixty-yard cross field ball instead? I’m talking about the kind of players that make you stop and go “now that’s a footballer”, regardless of how the team is doing. You know the vibes. I should also note, that as the world’s biggest US Soccer and LA Galaxy supporter, you may notice some of that influencing the selections… Okay, I’ll shut up. Here’s the squad”

(GK) : Jorge Campos
Neon kit, goal scoring keeper. LA Galaxy Legend. Nuff said. We’ll never seen a keeper like him again, and that’s probably a good thing but no one blurred lines between a MASSIVE match and training session scrimmage like ol’ Jorge did. The dude would spring counters by rolling the ball to himself and dribbling 60 yards. What an icon.

(RB) Sergiño Dest
If you know me personally, you’ll know that I’ve been the conductor of the Dest hype train for years. Let me be very clear. The day he picked the U.S. over the Netherlands should be as equally celebrated in American history as July 4th. He’s going to be the best RB in the world at some point, and he’s going to do it with 1,000 step overs along the way.

(CB) David Luiz
A center back who prefers a Cruyff turn in his own box over a clearance who’s played at the highest level in the sport. What an enigma this man is. Forty-yard knuckling rippers or red cards more preventable than Zidane’s headbutt in ’06. You never know what you’ll get from him, but you can guarantee it’ll be electric. Anchor my backline Sideshow Bob.

*(CB) Duncan Bochicchio
I play CB only on paper. I don’t really know how I’ve spent the last few seasons at the back, but I try my absolute best not to defend. I’m 6’1”, 165 pounds, will blow over with an above average gust of wind but I will trick and flick my way into midfield no matter how many times coaches yell at me.

(LB) Ali Adnan
The best kept secret in MLS. Less a left back, more a marauding racehorse. He thinks he’s Neymar, when in reality he’s probably more like an Iraqi Brek Shea. I don’t think Vancouver have won a game since Alphonso Davies left, but they are must watch TV as long as Adnan is on the field. Hilarious.

(CM) Gedion Zelalem
The best player at the 2015 U20 world cup. One of the silkiest American players ever to control a ball, it’s no wonder he was snatched up by Arsene Wenger as a teenager. Injuries and lack of opportunity mean he’s back stateside and struggling to find his feet, but real ones remember. Zelalem was something different.

(CM) Rose Lavelle
When she retires, all the individual awards in the women’s game are going to be named after her. In a USWNT 11 where every single starter is the best in the world in their position, Lavelle is still somehow levels above everyone else. She’s won a world cup, scored in the final with a ball drag that made me cry, and the USWNT is going to win the next five world cups anyway. She’s transcended the women’s game already, let’s get her into my team and finally give her some competition worthy of her level.

(CAM) Adel Taraabt
More megs than passes. The king of minimum four touch football. 2010/11 QPR was must watch TV. I’ll forever treasure waking up at 6 am to see this twenty-pound over weight Lamborghini trot around the field destroying the world’s greatest defenders effortlessly. He used to meg a guy, stop the ball, let the defender get back just to meg him again. The prem was playing checkers, Taraabt was playing 5D chess. Now at Benfica, he’s actually been transformed into a ball retaining CDM and is much more serious these days. But screw that, long live QPR Taraabt.

(RW) Hatem Ben Arfa
In another timeline, this man has a World Cup title, and a three Balon D’ors. He was the best player in the Prem while at Newcastle, and PSG have been cursed ever since they locked him out of the club. It didn’t matter how many defenders you sent to break his legs, he would always cut them up with his limited-edition hand crafted by Zeus himself, left foot. Ben Arfa forever.

(LW) Ricardo Quaresma
Ricardo Quaresma: I’m pretty sure if you asked him, he’d tell you he’s the greatest Portuguese player of all time. What’s more iconic, his outside of the foot golazos? Or his neck tattoos? They simply don’t make guys like Quaresma anymore. I can’t wait to see him pull a Nani and come run MLS.

(ST) Peter Crouch
What can you say about the 8’4” robotic super-human. The only thing funnier than seeing him bambi on ice his way around the field is his personality off it. The man scored goals, played for huge clubs and cemented his legendary status for this response to the question of what he may have been if not for a footballer: “A virgin.”

Honorable Mention:
Ronaldinho is the most obvious lock in a team like this which is exactly why I didn’t add him. This is a team that breaks from the obvious, that doesn’t do it the way everyone says it should be done. Respect to the king Gaucho but come on we gotta show some other guys love.
Santi Cazorla is the greatest midfielder of the last 15 years. You know it, I know it, but you won’t admit it. See the light. Know the truth. Santi two footed Cazorla forever.
Todd Cantwell deserves a shout for his hair alone. Norwich were terrible this year but my guy sauced his way around the premier league without a single f*** to give. Vibes.

Look, is this team winning anything? Probably not. But real ones know what I’m talking about here. I’d tune in 7 days a week just to watch this squad warm up.