This morning I woke up to the news that Daryl Grove was dead.

I’m obviously not alone in that experience, but my experience is as unique and important as anyone else and deserves to be told.

About twelve years ago, I began following soccer because of the US Men’s National Team playing in the 2010 World Cup. I don’t think I even knew what a podcast was at that point, but I followed the matches in the news and listened to them via the ESPN radio app (probably the first app I had purchased specifically for soccer). Over the next four years, I became more and more interested in soccer, mostly international soccer, but dabbling in MLS and USL as my world view expanded. It was sometime late in that period that I discovered Total Soccer Show.

Total Soccer Show, at the time, was just Daryl and his cohost, Taylor Rockwell. More recent listeners will know their spin-off shows, but back in the day it was just Daryl and Taylor. I think for a lot of listeners, that’s how we think of TSS - two guys talking about soccer, the interchange between them, the digs, the inside jokes, the humanity of their relationship. The show opened my eyes to so much soccer I was just unaware of. While I would no doubt be aware of Wolves at this point, I can blame Daryl for making me root for them, just a little. And my knowledge of Turkish soccer is entirely because of Taylor and his stickler approach to pronouncing “Besiktas” over and over again.

I listened to TSS driving to work mostly. It was very much like having a couple of friends in your car, hanging out with you while you drive. I’m sure for others it was similar, but in their own context. But their podcast was appointment listening for me, particularly after the USMNT matches. I would stay up late to get a listen to their quick take after the match, then go to bed knowing I’d wake up to a deep dive episode into the match. My USMNT fandom dovetailed into my TSS fandom. Taylor and Daryl were my USMNT buddies and I looked forward to discussing the matches with them, even if the conversation was only in my head.

About 6 years ago, I started my own podcast, Bury My Heart USA, with a couple of friends. An MLS podcast that was mostly me giving terrible, uninformed takes on a league and letting my two cohosts bat them about with more informed opinions. I never stopped listening to TSS, and I certainly referenced the show in BMH. I was inspired by TSS to expand my knowledge of domestic soccer, because if Taylor and Daryl thought it was worthwhile, then it must be worthwhile. That show ended about 3 years ago. And that’s about when Protagonist began.

I’ve said that Protagonist would not have existed without TSS and I mean that. Daryl and Taylor built TSS from nothing. They ground it out, year over year, until it paid their bills and was their day jobs. I bet TSS has spawned 100s of podcasts, just through their success. If they can do it, why not us? As Protagonist grew, I listened to TSS less and less, as the MLS focus rubbed me the wrong way. Didn’t stop me from sending a question or two in, when I could find connective tissue. And NOTHING thrilled me more than having Daryl read my question on the show and discuss it. Especially when he’d mention Protagonist like it was equal to TSS in importance. It felt like validation. It felt like recognition. It felt like a buddy patting you on the shoulder and telling you “great job.” I remember once he said “Protagonist does important work in lower league coverage.” I was beaming that day.

When it was announced that he had cancer, we were in the middle of doing an interview with him via email. He graciously let me add a couple of questions about his diagnosis and his answers are... kind of perfectly Daryl. I asked him how cancer had affected his life.

“In a weird way it hasn’t too much. Before the diagnosis, I was keenly aware that life was good. I love my wife, love my friends, love my family, love doing TSS. The diagnosis did make me take a brief pause to assess, like, am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life? And I found the answer was yes. So in a paradoxical way it’s been really life affirming because I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have that same answer, often for reasons beyond their control. So now I wake up every day knowing how lucky I am and it makes me determined to really enjoy all the things in life that I love so much...the only other thing I’ve changed is I’ve made a conscious decision to not get into debates that go nowhere, especially on Twitter...because I’ve realized my time is better spent elsewhere. That’s five minutes of futile tweeting that I could instead spend with my wife, or texting an old friend in England, or watching a Duane Holmes all touches video. :)”

The last interchange I had with Daryl was about a month ago. Daryl was always willing to exchange DMs with me, though sometimes delayed due to his schedule or his treatment. I was working to get him on one of our podcasts. He responded “Hey Dan, sorry for slow response. I’d normally be an easy yes but in hospital right now so I’m avoiding making any commitments. Can I check back in with you once I’m doing better?” I don’t know what he knew at that point, but he was ever the optimist.

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I think once you die, you go into the ground, just like your dog, the tree, the ant, and every other living thing that has come before you. So I do not believe Daryl is in heaven, because I do not believe in heaven. I do think, however, that your memory is how you continue to exist in this world. Some have managed to survive for thousands of years because their impact was so great on the memory of our species. And while Daryl is gone, he is not forgotten, his memory is here with us, and it will remain for a long time. An entire generation of soccer fans in the United States knows who Daryl Grove is, why he is important, and how he lived. And this writer, as long as he lives, will know.

So remember our mutual friend, Daryl. Remember his kind approach to his fans. Remember his love of the beautiful game. Remember his friendship with Taylor, who continues with us, the living. Remember the enthusiasm of his greeting, with jazz horns blaring in the background:

“Hello and welcome to the Total Soccer Show.“

When I sat down to write this, I was scared I wouldn’t add anything to the conversation. That’s because Daryl affected a host of podcasters and writers that are just better at this than I am. I’d recommend Adam Whittaker Snavely’s article, it’s as close to perfect as you can get. When you read an article that well written, it makes you pause before trying to tackle the subject yourself. But this morning, after hearing about Daryl’s death, I wanted to share my experience and tell my perspective. Maybe it added to the narrative or maybe it didn’t, it doesn’t make it less important for me. If you’d like to read the entirety of that Daryl Grove interview, there’s the link. And please listen to Taylor’s announcement of Daryl’s death on TSS.