It’s July 4th. For most it’s a day of celebration, featuring fireworks, hotdogs and a few adult beverages while watching the grill work its magic. This year, given the elevated nature of current political discourse some may not be feeling all that patriotic. It’s understandable.

But on this day of red, white, and blue bombasticness, I have decided to produce for you the first of many Improbable Elevens, featuring those who have served this nation as Commander in Chief. Our lineup card will be restricted to just 45 available choices (all men at this point), so we’ll have a rather large bench. Each player will be considered “peak physical status” rather than at the age of their employment to the nation. The formation will be a standard 4-3-3, just as god intended it. Rather than having an overarching justification for choices, I will instead offer individual responses for each player. With all that being said, kick off the Hail to the Chief and let’s post the lineup!

Future 16th President taking control of a situation.

GK - Abraham Lincoln

I think this is the most obvious choice on the entire field, as Lincoln is the tallest and leanest man to ever hold the office. Known for his prowess with an axe as a young man, he was called the “The Rail Splitter.” His biographer described his physical ability as starting at a very young age. “An ax was at once placed in his hands, and from that time until he attained his twenty-third year, when not employed in labor on the farm, he was almost constantly wielding that most useful implement.” This is an athlete, 6’4 and in his prime, broad-shouldered from hard work on the farm, his mind as sharp as the axe slung across his shoulder. He’s the perfect commander in the box, his orders and exhortations preventing the union of his united backline from splintering. He’s not afraid of a physical clash either, recognized by the National Wrestling Hall of Fame for his wrestling ability.

CB - Gerald Ford

Known in his later years for his clumsiness, the pride of Grand Rapids, Michigan may have been the best athlete to ever hold court in the Oval Office. Ford was an accomplished American football player, playing both ways, linebacker on defense and center on offense, on two national championship Michigan teams. Though he had professional options on the table when he graduated, he went into law school instead. Though Ford was only 6’0, he’s a man that knows how to clean up some big errors and will do it calmly and collectively. Having played center in college, he knows how to move within a backline and help direct play.

CB - Lyndon Johnson

In every backline, you need a guy with some big D energy, the kind of guy who ordered special pants to accommodate all that energy. Johnson once said he’d win the war in Vietnam because of what was in his pants (he didn’t win). He' was someone who would get in the opponent’s face and not back down. Someone not afraid to let an elbow fly high every now and then, just to let people know who’s the boss. Lyndon Johnson is the man for the job. The big Texan who served under Kennedy wasn’t afraid to work behind the scenes while a prettier face took all the credit. Of course, as soon as that pretty face exited the scene, he stepped in and did even bigger things in the same position. Johnson isn’t afraid of a confrontation and at 6’4, he’s going to take up your space to make his point.

Known for his bombast and “take no shit from anyone” attitude, LBJ is the perfect pairing for the more athletic Ford at center back. Ford can do the heavy lifting, while Johnson can lay down the law.

LB - Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson may seem like an odd fit out left on the backline, but his scientific dedication to his position, all from the left side of the aisle, makes him the natural left back on this squad. He’s a man dedicated to defending his side of the field, someone who once said that “the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.” That vigilance will serve him well as he works the end of this backline. Jefferson would take the game seriously, focusing on technique and precision as a dedicated believer in the scientific method. He’s a player that knew his angles and velocities, he’d never be caught off guard.

RB - George H. W. Bush

Called a “wimp” while president, Bush was one of the more accomplished athletes as a younger man. Before going into public service, Bush Sr. was a great baseball player for Yale. In fact, according to the Yale website, Bush “was elected captain of the baseball team in his senior season. Bush helped his teams to two College World Series, in 1947 and 1948.” He played a lot of sports as well, including soccer and tennis. And though in real life he played up front in the attack, for the purpose of this exercise Bush is the perfect pairing for the right side of this backline, cautious to a fault, but willing to make the tough decision when necessary, regardless of what you’ve read on his lips. An accomplished pilot in WWII, Bush could also make the aggressive run up the right side to mix it up on offense in a pinch.

DM - Ulysses S. Grant

If you’re going to put a field general in your midfield, you can’t beat a guy who beat the South during the Civil War. Grant knows how to work with his goalkeeper, Lincoln, who he served faithfully during the most trying of times. Grant can interchange smoothly between both his defensive backline and his attacking mids ahead of him. He knows how to make a last second play to preserve the match, snuffing out attacks that might have broken the defensive backline. He’s an organizer and leader of men and the perfect player to shore up the defense in midfield. Grant is well-known for his love of horse riding, so he knows how to get up an go when he needs to.

Eisenhower playing “the other football” at West Point.

CM - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Why have one field general when you can have two? While Eisenhower is now known for his leading of the American forces in WWII, he was first an accomplished athlete in high school. In fact, he was good enough at baseball that according to the Chicago Tribune he “played professional baseball before-and apparently after-entering the U.S. Military Academy, making him ineligible to participate in intercollegiate athletics.” Aside from being a great athlete, Eisenhower excelled in directing large-scale offensive attacks, like D-Day, of course. His ability to know when and where to attack were key to the success of the Allied attack. No doubt, he’d bring that same kind of approach and success to our Presidential midfield.

Also a bit of a boxer, TR wouldn’t be afraid to throw down.

CM - Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

Hard to imagine an American attack without TR involved. Known for his overly aggressive approach to damn near everything, Roosevelt would be an obvious asset in attack. His ability to swiftly move from point a to b, all while looking for ground to claim for his own, would put him in dangerous positions at all times. Known for his ability to shatter backfield monopolies, Roosevelt loved an environment where America could shine. That sort of approach would set his attacking teammate up for success, with Teddy feeding them the ball. Born sickly, Roosevelt basically willed himself into an absolute unit of a man. He was a man’s man, who loved exploring, sports, working, etc. He’s got a motor that won’t quit, the perfect attacking midfielder.

LW - Barack Obama

If you ever read any of the claims about the Obama presidency, it makes sense that he’s a left winger. Regardless of the claims though, the reality is that Obama is the kind of left winger that likes to drift to the center when he has the ball. So it’s hard to pin him down with many left wing based critiques. The reality is that he was generally loved by the nation, regardless of how effective he was in the position. While he knows how to interact with the middle of the field, he’s a solid leader on the field, inspiring others with his play. At 6’2 and with a background in basketball, Obama has the hops to be involved in arial play in the box. Look for him to use his head creatively to get the win when it matters.

RW - Ronald Reagan

There’s right wing and there’s RIGHT WING. You can’t ask for a more iconic conservative president than the affable actor turned president, Ronald Reagan. Known for his aggressive establishment of the new right, Reagan is a team-player, known for finding the right person in the right moment for the right position. Opponents may complain about his sometimes underhanded techniques, but when he’s on your team, the dark arts are heralded, not condemned. Reagan always looked the part and would certainly get the cameras focused on him as he played further and further right.

F - John F Kennedy

I mean, his middle initial is F, clearly he belongs in that Forward position. Kennedy was the picture of health, a man destined for great things, born into a powerful family. It was destiny that he would lead the country and destiny will bring him to the point of attack for our presidential XI. His tastes in sports focused on the more “American” pursuits of football, baseball, and golf, but he’s got the face of a pretty boy with the willingness to go into the trenches to get a win. He knew how to set goals and he could get them as well.

- Dan Vaughn