The NISA Season that Wasn't
Note: This is for funzies, so take it with a grain of salt and a large alcoholic beverage. Or chocolate if you’re living a sober lifestyle.
NISA’s 2020 Spring Season has been shut down, another sports league brought to a grinding halt by COVID-19. We’ll never know how it would have played out. Frustrating, I know. And in frustration, perhaps you shout out something like…
“Isn’t there anyone who can tell me who would have taken the NISA trophy this spring?”
“Sure – I can tell you who would have taken the NISA trophy this spring.”
Lights, please.
And yes, those are clouds. We are heading into a dream sequence, so keep your arms inside the vehicle until the ride comes to a complete stop.
Going by the alphabet, let’s start with Cal United Strikers. With plenty of firepower, aggressive midfield play, and a solid, competent backline, Cal United would find a way to struggle every week. Enough results would go their way, yet at times they could frustrate the heck out of you. During one of these performances against LA Force, the usually happy and joyful play-by-play voice of the Strikers Simon Allen loses it in midstream, runs onto the field and starts yelling maniacally at the Cal United forwards, “Surely he’s going to shoot now! SURELY HE’S GOING TO SHOOT NOW!” The ref finally stopped play and surely showed Allen a red card.
Chattanooga FC enjoyed a very sold first season as a professional club. Staying in the top half of the table for most of the spring season, playing in front of crowds that most lower league teams would be jealous of, CFC would punch a ticket to a playoff spot with a home win over 1904 FC. Good times, right? So why were the locals annoyed? In a word: Nashville hot chicken. OK, three words. If the members of the Chattanooga faithful got a nickel for every time visiting fanbases asked where to get the best hot chicken, they would hate the Red Wolves just as much (hah – didn’t see that coming, did ya?),
Just fill in any gaps with imaginary friends. (Image courtesy of Youtube)
So yeah - Detroit City FC won lots of games, ran away from the rest of the league, blah de blahblahblah. The more interesting aspect of the Spring Season was in the stands at Keyworth. Limited by a seating capacity of just under 8,000, the Northern Guard schemed up a way to increase this number: imaginary friends. First it was Invite an Imaginary Friend Night. Then those imaginary friends brought their friends. And so on. And so on. When the announced attendance was 27,394 for the Cal United Strikers game, things had gotten pretty weird – even by Northern Guard standards. So the decision was made to ban imaginary friends for the rest of the season. A few invisible tears were shed.
So the LA Force crowds were practicing social distancing long before COVID-19, evidently. I know – low-hanging fruit. But the club would struggle for points and fans in stands during the spring season. And that’s a shame, because this is how many fans of lower league soccer want to see clubs built – from the ground up. This is an academy club that added a pro team at the top. The hope here is that the club can develop a following of a corps of passionate fans that can spread the word. Hey – they’re not all going to be funny.
The Michigan Stars would continue to be a collective pain in the butt to play against, challenging offenses with their ability to take away each team’s best players. When Cal United came to Pontiac, the Stars put three men on Christian Thierjung right from the first moment. No, not the start of the game – as soon as he got off the bus. And in the parking lot. And into the locker room. Thierjung never actually got onto the pitch, and the Stars went with the rarely-used 7-1-0 lineup. But Cal United could only manage a nil-nil draw, as Gustavo Villalobos was swallowed up by Zanin Mahic’s hair.
Only the first of many moments that ended up on tshirts.
Laney College Stadium would finally become that fortress for the Oakland Roots, and the club would make any opponent’s trip to Oakland a tough one. The road would cause some issues, but the club would keep themselves in the top half of the table throughout the spring. And the quick release of T-shirts to capture celebrated moments (like the Jack McInerney game-tying goal on opening night) would continue. A Matt Fondy wonderstrike against Detroit City – on a T-shirt. Taylor Bailey saves to PK against Cal United – on a T-shirt. Ariel Mbumba being subbed on in the 67th minute against LA Force – on a T-shirt. David Abdor taking a point blank shot to his junk – considered, but ultimately not on a T-shirt.
The move from San Diego State’s stadium to Lincoln High School did not have the effect that 1904 FC – sorry, Ought Four – wanted as far as crowd support. As the season went on, the club would try different venues to get that intimate feel. Local parks. Parking lots. Mini golf courses. Against the Michigan Stars, they tried playing in a bowling alley. Didn’t manage much on the scoreboard (Tito Ramirez was bottled up at the snack bar by the Stars defense), but midfielder Christian Enriquez did bowl an impressive 187. Through it all, the Black Plague kept the faith - except when Enriquez missed an easy spare in the 9th frame. That almost broke them.
In Stumptown, chasing a playoff spot would be a constant throughout the season. It would ultimately be not in the cards for the club, but they would be there right to the end. A home-and-home series with Detroit City to end the season would be Stumptown’s undoing. But here was one other storyline that hung over the season: the progress of the building behind one of the goals at OrthoCarolina Soccer Complex. When the Michigan Stars arrived, the siding had been completed. By the time of the Cal United game, some landscaping had been placed. Things looked good. Then came the Detroit City game, and an errant shot from George Chomakov sailed over the fence, crashed through an upper-story window, and blasted a hole through the roof. Deemed unfit to occupy, the building was razed – with new construction to start at the beginning of the fall season.
When the season ended in June, the table stood thusly:
Team Pts
Detroit City FC 987
Cal United Strikers 34
Chattanooga FC 31
Oakland Roots SC 29
Stumptown Athletic 24
San Diego 1904 FC 18
Los Angeles Force 16
Michigan Stars FC 9
(My math is impeccable, by the way).
Since Cal United had already qualified for the playoffs due to the Fall Showcase, they somehow ended up having to face off against themselves in the semi-finals – much to the chagrin of the Oakland Roots! And that chagrin found its way onto a T-shirt. Playing itself to a nil-nil draw, Cal United managed to get past themselves on penalties.
In the other semi-final, it was Detroit City and Chattanooga FC hooking up for tense battle between old NPSL rivals. Evenly played throughout the first half, things got unraveled in the second half when the Northern Guard started chanting “Where’s your hot chicken?” which seemed to unnerve CFC. The floodgates opened, and DCFC was going to the finals!
Now it was down to Detroit City and Cal United. And in the final, the Strikers would pass and move with a veracity and determination that was impressive and almost led to a goal. But the final whistle would come, and both teams were without a goal. Extra time would be needed. For the Northern Guard, this meant extra extra smoke. A billowy blast would emanate from the stands, and slowly cover the entire field. Nobody could see a damned thing. Industrial fans would quickly be brought in to blow the smoke off the field. And when order was restored – the NISA trophy had disappeared!
Who’s laughing now? (image courtesy of Forbes.com)
Suddenly, the sound of wheels peeling out could be heard as a black limousine sped away. And leaning out the back window, Rocco Commisso held out the trophy, laughing.
So who took the NISA trophy? The New York Cosmos, of course.
- John Howard-Fusco
If you enjoyed John’s approach to NISA in this article, you should check out his NISA podcast, the Knights Who Say NISA - available on the Protagonist Podcast feed on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever else you get podcasts.
